Note to My Mammogram Technician

So let me start by saying that every woman should get mammograms as often as her doctor recommends. This isn't about the horror of getting a mammogram; the actual procedure never bothered me before. This post is meant to help me deal with the anxiety coursing through my veins right now and I thought writing about it and trying to laugh about it, might help. Maybe others can relate.

To preface, my parents were the types who would go straight to the most awful scenario in every situation. Many times my reactions have caused me, after the initial shock, to spring into action and make positive things happen in my life or others. Other times it has caused me to make the safe or false choice simply to make the anxiety go away. My husband hates that about me, but I like to think that perhaps reacting this way is what helped my ancestors survive. If you anticipate a tiger will kill you and your family, you are more likely to seek shelter that will either help you avoid the tiger or make it more difficult for the tiger. If a medieval lord is harassing your family, or your village is being wrought by plague and famine, you will want to leave the situation through any means necessary to avoid or lessen the sever trauma or anxieties of your daily life. So today's events at my mammogram sent me into a tail spin. The fight or flight is very strong in me.
First off, the technician mispronounced my last name, giving it an O where there might be one if my name was Spanish, but it is German; making me wonder from the beginning, if I was going to get someone else's results. Next, as she begins her torture, she realizes she has the wrong tray for my type of breast.??? After the left breast has been filmed she states, "So you have a mole under your left breast.?" I say I think I do. She comes to look and sees I have a couple of blemishes too but doesn't think it's the mole that she sees. I ask, is something coming up on the film and she replies, "Yes." However she adds that it is probably just the blemish. My mind is going crazy at this point. She then asks me if I have back or knee problems because I am not leaning over correctly. Before I could even answer, she starts the device. At this point I am probably not standing right because I'm a nervous wreck. She tells me not to breathe and I think, that will be easy because I am hyperventilating anyway. I ask if there is something I should worry about and she says she does not read the films she only takes them. Really? Perhaps you could have remembered that a few minutes ago! As she tells me that we are finished, she recites the usual schpeel about how I should hear from them by letter in a few days and if everything is ok, she will see me next year. Now, I'm really paranoid because she says it in an off handed, or doubtful way. Or is that me thinking she said it that way because I am thinking the worst.

So now I am expecting one of those call backs tomorrow or the next day. Expecting the worst here can do many things, some negative and some positive. It could prepare me for the call and make the actual call less traumatic, if it does come. It could make me a nervous wreck until it comes, or does not.

I start thinking...

If I have breast cancer, then maybe I can retire earlier than planned. That is a good thing.

Maybe my sons will appreciate me more and decide to give me grandkids before I go.

It will make me stronger and appreciate life more. (I already appreciate life, and strength comes in many forms.)

If I don't retire, and I have breast cancer, maybe they won't make me teach the difficult students next school year.

I also start thinking...

There are far worse things that could happen than getting breast cancer. It would not be the worst case scenario.

A few women I know have had breast cancer and are alive and well today. I should remember that.
So To My Mammogram Technician, the client before you may be the worst case scenario type, so take care when you ask questions or make comments. The person before you might be freaking out all the way home, or decide to write a blog about you and post it all over the internet.

Epilogue: Everything turned out alright and my mammogram was clear.

The Rantings of a Fifty-something Woman!: Free Citizen

The Rantings of a Fifty-something Woman!: Free Citizen

Free Citizen

     I have so many things I need to share that I don't know where to start.  More than a month ago, I had lunch with a friend I hadn't seen in about ten years.  The reason it was so long since we had seen each other is not dramatic.  It was because we both had some parenting challenges at the time, and keeping up with friendships was not at the top of our list of priorities.  It was a time in my life, when I only socialized with work friends, and adults I knew through my sons' activities at school and what-not.  This friend is the kind of friend who makes you feel better about yourself and life, after you spend time with them.  She is quite an inspiration and should get some kind of Presidential award for it.  Anyway, She tried really hard to encourage me to keep writing and I have been thinking of our conversation ever since.  So today I am making good on that.
     There are so many things I want to blog about.  I want to rant about the double standards I have been experiencing at work my whole 30 years of teaching, but especially this year; about the state of the world; about the flack I got from a parent, through email, about yesterday's "Walk Out"; about public school "Science" teachers who teach that "Creationism," is a scientific theory; about the same teachers teaching that climate change is not man-made; but I can't.  I can't blog about that because I need to keep my job for at least 3 more years so I don't get penalized for retiring under 60 years of age with less than 25 years in this state.  This brings me to the title of the blog and probably the only place where it will be mentioned.  I will be saving all the above material for when I am retired and a Free Citizen.  Many people don't know that one of the hardest parts of being a teacher is "Shutting up."  And if you are raised by my parents, shutting up and not expressing opinions is even harder than for the average person.
     This morning as I was doing, or not doing, my hair, I realized I could blog about my transitioning.  No, I am not transitioning sexually, but from dying my hair to not dying my hair.  I know it isn't as important as the above mentioned topics, but I may be able to survive the next three years more pleasantly if I stick with the hair.  However, don't worry, I am still writing about the other topics and they will be saved for the day I retire and all bets are off!
     So less than a month ago, I wrote a Facebook post asking if I should dye my gray hairs or not.  The consensus was 50/50.  I opted for dying it because it was the easier decision at the time.  However, it is less than a month and it looks like I need to do it again.  So in my quest to live my best life, and inspiration from my big sister, I am going to try this starting now and at least through the summer.  The hardest part is going to be seeing my mother this summer because she is against this.  I figure if people can blog about Julia Child recipes, I can do this.  I'm sure I will have some interesting comments from my sweet middle school students that will add some humor.
     It may be more traumatic than I think, especially since my baby is graduating from college this year, and my oldest is gainfully employed, meaning I am really getting old.  However, I feel this is the time.  Also, maybe it is the time change, or Mercury, or sleep deprivation, or something but for some strange reason I joined the online weight watchers program this morning, so what the heck let's go for gold!
   

New Mexico's Educators Not Considered Hard Working Families!

This is not one of my most eloquent posts, but I must spew forth before I lose my inspiration. 

Recently the Santa Fe New Mexican posted New Mexico Governor Susana Martinez’ proposed budget for the huge shortfall our state will be experiencing in the coming year.  Her failure to attract businesses offering alternative energy jobs, in favor of keeping incentives for her political cronies’ polluting and inefficient industries, is greatly responsible for this mess. The article mentions these; “new solvency measures would shrink overall compensation to state employees and public school teachers by decreasing government pension contributions to the state's two main retirement funds by 3.5 percent of salaries. Government employees would contribute more to maintain the same benefits, with less take-home pay as a result”(Lee, Morgan with Associated Press).  All of this in an effort to prevent tax increases.  I am always baffled at the oxymoronic (not sure if it’s a word, but I like it) attempts at pretending not to increase taxes.  Who does she, or her supporters, think pays her salary or the salary of her Secretary of Education, Hannah Skandera?

Martinez goes on to say, “This sends a message that it's up to state government to tighten its own belt — not our hard working families." 

What?  Exactly to whom are you sending this message? 

No Gov. Martinez, this sends the message that you don't give a damn that New Mexico’s teachers have not received a raise in over a decade and every year our paychecks are smaller and smaller meaning we are paying YOU so WE can KEEP our jobs where we are being asked to do more and more without any support or compensation. I wonder how many of your republican cronies would ever be willing to do that? You are a crook and a bully and no journalism agency or news station is willing to do the research to alert the rest of the poor struggling WORKING families in NM. I find it interesting that you didn't include teachers as part of the “Hard Working Families,” in your state. A single working teacher does not make enough for housing or food, but just enough not to benefit from any assistance programs.

I am not going to go on about the decrease in my paycheck every year due to insurance companies and retirement budget regulations taking advantage of the one dollar raise increase (Not a hyperbole!) I receive.  These agencies must sit in a room and wait to hear of the hint of a raise for teachers, then scurry to increase required contributions.  If I continue on this strand I will wallow in despair.  I will let your comments speak for me or to me.

Another Couple of Lost Generations

   

     In talking with someone about the election a few weeks ago, she mentioned the people of this country made her question the educational system in the country, along with its educators.  I was too tired and disheartened by the direction of the election to defend my profession at the time, but today I fear I must.  Sorry, it wasn’t the educators, but yes it was the educational system.  I didn't want this blog to involve politics, but I fear I have no choice today.  I am sick with grief because I am afraid this is the last election I will ever care about.

     The orchestration and manipulation of our youth, and now our young adults; (of voting age) began in 2000 with the election of George W., but it was only exacerbated with President Obama and Arne Duncan’s system of teacher evaluations, based on test scores.  Bush’s No Child Left Behind created a climate in which teachers taught TO the test in order to keep their jobs, or to stop from being publicly ridiculed in staff meetings for having the lowest test scores. Now please think of what you would do if your job were dependent on one day, in the life, of a child, and his or her test scores, on that ONE day.  Teaching to the test, a test, which only scores Math and Reading, means schools have to set new priorities in scheduling.  When the very existence of a school depends on test scores, districts make ridiculous decisions like requiring four hours a day, every day, of Reading and Math.  In those four hours, students are taught a “Standardized” scripted curriculum, which excludes Science and Social Studies, and mandates how to teach and exactly what to teach with no time for teacher autonomy or professional experience to make an impact.  In a six hour day where Lunch, recess, Music and PE are required, that doesn’t leave much for Social Studies or Science; the two very subjects where culture, tolerance, government, constitutions, questioning, Scientific principles and reasoning, are taught, usually. 

     I am going to say, “I told you so,” because I did.  After Bush was elected, and enacted his educational policies, I knew we would be entering a new dark age in which we would be raising a generation of mindless, children; ignorant and intolerant of other cultures, who would not know where Europe was located, let alone, Iraq or Afghanistan.   I warned my colleagues, and anyone who would listen, in 2000, of this very situation today.  These individuals have no idea of the mistakes cultures and societies have made in the past, which means they are doomed to repeat them.  I did not want Obama to be President when he ran against Hillary because I knew his “Basketball buddy’s” educational policies would continue this plague of ignorance.  Obama left everything to Arne and devoted his time to a health care system with so many Republican earmarks it shouldn’t be called Obama Care, but Republicans Don’t Care or The Lower Middle Class will pay for all your Care.   So please don’t blame the educators because we have no power.  We don’t even have a voice in our local district education boards, or our federal education department.  Arne Duncan was never an educator, neither was my state’s secretary of education.  Now Trump wants to appoint Ben Carson as Secretary of Education.  So you can kiss the next four plus years in education, goodbye.  We are in a climate where a church pastor can pressure a school about what to teach in the public school. 

     If you know history, you know targeting the youth and limiting their education, is one of the first steps of establishing power and keeping it.  It’s also one of the best ways to infiltrate a society before anyone even knows what happened.  So please don’t blame the educators.  Blame yourselves.

The Rantings of a Fifty-something Woman!: Books

The Rantings of a Fifty-something Woman!: Books:       The Sinner’s Club by DW Plato hooked me right from the beginning with a tender prologue that left me wanting more.  T...

" Kleine Kinder Kleine Sorgen, Große Kinder Große Sorgen."

  Literal translation:  “Small children, small worries, big children, big worries.”

     “Kleine Kinder kleine Sorgen, große Kinder große Sorgen.”  Loosely translated: as your children grow, so do their problems.  My father said this so often, especially after the fourth time I crashed his car.  Until recent years, I never really comprehended the value of this German adage.  I remember one important moment in my early days of motherhood, sitting outside with my visiting neighbors.  I must have looked exhausted and spent, as I held my newborn.  My neighbor, a mother of three teenage girls, turned to me and said, “This is as easy as motherhood is ever going to be.”  I couldn’t believe she said that!  How could that be?  I was an exhausted slave to this tiny being who insisted on nursing for eight hours a day.  It had to get easier!

     My sons did not navigate their preschool and elementary years in typical fashion.