To preface, my parents were the types who would go straight to the most awful scenario in every situation. Many times my reactions have caused me, after the initial shock, to spring into action and make positive things happen in my life or others. Other times it has caused me to make the safe or false choice simply to make the anxiety go away. My husband hates that about me, but I like to think that perhaps reacting this way is what helped my ancestors survive. If you anticipate a tiger will kill you and your family, you are more likely to seek shelter that will either help you avoid the tiger or make it more difficult for the tiger. If a medieval lord is harassing your family, or your village is being wrought by plague and famine, you will want to leave the situation through any means necessary to avoid or lessen the sever trauma or anxieties of your daily life. So today's events at my mammogram sent me into a tail spin. The fight or flight is very strong in me.
First off, the technician mispronounced my last name, giving it an O where there might be one if my name was Spanish, but it is German; making me wonder from the beginning, if I was going to get someone else's results. Next, as she begins her torture, she realizes she has the wrong tray for my type of breast.??? After the left breast has been filmed she states, "So you have a mole under your left breast.?" I say I think I do. She comes to look and sees I have a couple of blemishes too but doesn't think it's the mole that she sees. I ask, is something coming up on the film and she replies, "Yes." However she adds that it is probably just the blemish. My mind is going crazy at this point. She then asks me if I have back or knee problems because I am not leaning over correctly. Before I could even answer, she starts the device. At this point I am probably not standing right because I'm a nervous wreck. She tells me not to breathe and I think, that will be easy because I am hyperventilating anyway. I ask if there is something I should worry about and she says she does not read the films she only takes them. Really? Perhaps you could have remembered that a few minutes ago! As she tells me that we are finished, she recites the usual schpeel about how I should hear from them by letter in a few days and if everything is ok, she will see me next year. Now, I'm really paranoid because she says it in an off handed, or doubtful way. Or is that me thinking she said it that way because I am thinking the worst.
So now I am expecting one of those call backs tomorrow or the next day. Expecting the worst here can do many things, some negative and some positive. It could prepare me for the call and make the actual call less traumatic, if it does come. It could make me a nervous wreck until it comes, or does not.
I start thinking...
If I have breast cancer, then maybe I can retire earlier than planned. That is a good thing.
Maybe my sons will appreciate me more and decide to give me grandkids before I go.
It will make me stronger and appreciate life more. (I already appreciate life, and strength comes in many forms.)
If I don't retire, and I have breast cancer, maybe they won't make me teach the difficult students next school year.
I also start thinking...
There are far worse things that could happen than getting breast cancer. It would not be the worst case scenario.
A few women I know have had breast cancer and are alive and well today. I should remember that.
So To My Mammogram Technician, the client before you may be the worst case scenario type, so take care when you ask questions or make comments. The person before you might be freaking out all the way home, or decide to write a blog about you and post it all over the internet.
Epilogue: Everything turned out alright and my mammogram was clear.
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